On this particular week she was house sitting for members of her family. They were out of town for a week long trip and had four dogs, so she would either go over early in the morning and again in the afternoon to feed the dogs or just stay over there some nights. On that Friday night she'd gone out drinking with a group of people she worked with--which included a guy that I knew had a crush on her and was kind of obvious in his flirting even when I was around. On Saturday I got up, picked up breakfast, and went to surprise her at the family house. I tried to call to make sure she was up, but her cell phone went straight to voice mail. When I arrived at around 9 in the morning, the Crush Guy's truck was already sitting in the drive way. I just left. I decided not to bring it up to see if she would. She did not. No mention of it.
A month later a friend of mine came to visit from out of town for a weekend and she refused to cancel her plans for even one day to hang out with us--despite living with me. And those plans were going to baseball games--which she had always hated--with the same group of co-workers--Crush Guy included. And these weren't special plans--her boss had season tickets and went to every single home baseball game--80+ games a year. After that we started talking about breaking up, though the ultimate blow didn't come until after my birthday in September.
I don't know what happened between her and that guy that night. I don't know if our relationship fell off sexually because we were growing apart, because she was just a jerk, or because she was getting her fill elsewhere (which, of course, would make her a jerk). I do know that she started texting him like crazy within days of us breaking up (we shared a phone account and it came up on my bill). And I do know that less than a year after our 2+ year relationship ended she was engaged to that guy.
I hear stories about cheating. I'm shocked about it. And yet hear them all the time. Examples:
- a married friend telling me that an acquaintance--who is engaged--is always hitting on her and making excuses to touch her and sometimes out right propositions her, but then acts like it's a joke.- a friend of a friend who is engaged to a guy that she doesn't know will bang anything moving--while they're engaged and planning a wedding!!--and is a big fan of talking girls in bars to go outside and do some coke and then getting head.
- a female friend who date a guy for years who was into 3-somes. Now her current longterm boyfriend (1 year+) is NOT into that and sees that as cheating. And so she fools around with girls on the side without him knowing. "It's not cheating," she says. "It's not like I'm with a guy. Two girls together is hot!" So, would you tell your boyfriend? "No. He'd be pissed if he found out. But I think he'd probably get over it."
- a vendor at work who was engaged and is now NOT-engaged because he popped by her house one day and found that her ex-boyfriend was over there...
- the 800 ads on any given day that will give you a laugh on Craig's List and that are endlessly spoofed, all to the tune of "I'm married and NOT gay, but sometimes I just like to get discreet, no strings head from a guy. But I'm not gay!!!"
- an acquaintance who had been dating a guy for years who was here regularly on business and was talking about getting a house together and him transferring--and then found out he wasn't really here on business. He lived here--and had a wife and kids. And lived in the same Lakewood part of Dallas she lived in.
- a married co-worker who, when asked why he was planning his brothers bachelor party in New York, proudly stated that they would be able to get better hookers for the party.
- a married co-worker getting divorced--while pregnant!--because her husband decided she wasn't attractive enough to keep his interest and went elsewhere. (Which is absurd, as she looks like a pregnant, Mexican Penelope Cruz).
When I was young and stupid I used to think that maybe there were circumstances where cheating would be acceptable. If it was like some "Wuthering Heights" situation of two people who were "meant to be" and for some reason in other relationships that didn't work. But that's bullshit. There is no situation where you both can't end things first before becoming involved with someone else. Cheating on someone--even emotionally--just makes you kind of an asshole who isn't considering the feelings of your partner or the level of betrayal they'll feel. The only way you could do more to stab them in the back would be actually stealing their stuff and selling it on the sly. A scale from least offensive to worst offensive would go something like this:
a) Having a one night stand with someone else--even if it's alcohol fueled.
b) Having one night stands with lots of people.
c) Having an ongoing relationship with someone secretly
d) Having an ongoing relationship with an ex or someone your partner knows secretly.
e) Doing any of the above and not coming clean and just hoping they never find out. Which is really terrible. At least have the dignity to let them know you've been a jerk.
I've spent time here and in real life conversations thinking about sex and the role it plays in relationships. Partly due to my own past, but mostly when I hear stories about cheating and I'm left wondering why someone would risk a relationship for something that is just a physical pleasure--when sex, ideally, should be a combination of the physical AND shared intimacy with a partner. I briefly dated someone in 2007 or so who upfront said "This is what I need sexually...is there anything you require...like 3 blow jobs a week?" Which I found bizarre. I've had one relationship end because of my sexual frustration and ended one because of things a partner would not do--and both times I wondered if I made the wrong decision later. Though, honestly, I'm sure that neither of those people were "the one" for me. I've also had a couple of relationships ended by the other person over sex--and, honestly, it's kind of hilarious to have someone offer an ultimatum beginning with "look, I really like anal sex and you have to be really into it or I'm unhappy."
Maybe I'm just too easily satisfied to get it and understand the frustrations other people fill. Admittedly, my own tastes are fairly vanilla. My own requirements for happiness are pretty much: sex a few times a week, mutual oral, not always having to initiate sex, and not only doing the sex right before going to sleep because, frankly, sex in the morning is often better. And maybe some flirty night clothes from time to time or a romantic surprise. That's it. I'm easy.
Or maybe it's just that I'm too moral. Maybe foolishly old-fashioned. I believe too much in the whole concept of love and romance and finding a person that you want to be with forever and having a fairy tale life where you only have eyes for one another. And I felt that way even when I was young. One of my first Dallas dating experiences was meeting a woman who was attractive and interesting and educated...and after talking a bit we exchanged numbers...and then she said "just so you know, I'm not looking for anything serious...I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is about to propose to me and I just have some wild oats I want to sow before I'm married." I'm sure many guys would have been excited. I'm pretty sure I left a hole in the wall of the building as I fled the scene like a criminal. (Unfortunately, she had my number, which led to many lewd texts trying to lure me in...to the point that I changed my South Carolina number to a Texas one.)
I've had long conversations with people in the past where we hear cheating stories and tried to figure out what the motivation is for men and women--which, I think for the most part, is different depending on gender. I think there's probably three things that motivate women:
- Spite - So, your relationship isn't working out as well as you planned. Maybe your partner cheated on you. Maybe he's just a dick. This will put him in his place! It's so passive-aggressive and involves such faulty logic that I can't comprehend it. Just dump the person.- Insecurity - I was 23 the first time I heard a woman say "yeah, I'm not as thin as I was in college, but guys still want to take me home from the bar, so that means I'm still hot." You know, because men are really discerning about who they fuck. Yet I think people who feel that way and look at male attention to find their self-worth have a hard time breaking that cycle and any time the self-esteem gets low will look for a male to build it back up.
- Fear of Being Alone Which can relate to insecurity. And maybe spite. But in this case I'm talking specifically about when a relationship is fading the person starts setting up a back up plan or exit strategy so they can do the dumping rather than be dumped and they won't have to spend any time in the dating word and can just transition to the next relationship seamlessly. Which seems cruel to the partner. Just break up and be done with it.
I hear four motivations most common with men:
- Spite - see above- Apathy - A lot of guys view sex no different than a transaction at a convenience store. It's impersonal and meaningless. It's just fulfilling a need. Cheating is not a big deal. And if they get caught, they can get away with it by justifying it as meaningless. Judging my the amount of times I've seen guys get caught and then seen the woman in their life forgive them after they say "I was drunk and not thinking," I have to feel like the men are being somewhat enabled on this one.
- Adventure - If you read any of the so-called "greats" of 20th Century American Literature--guys like Roth or Mailer or Updike who wrote extensively about getting old and sex and infidelity, you see a common theme. That they get bored. That guys start to feel in a rut about marriage and family and work and rather than find ways to improve that situation or allow it to evolve, they start looking for something exciting. And even the fear of getting caught cheating provides them with a cheap thrill--like a kid getting a high by sneaking their parents liquor.
- Fantasy - A guy has built up some fetish in his mind that he feels needs to be fulfilled. And this goes back to me saying that my own taste is maybe just to bland to understand this one. And it can be anything from "I HAVE TO have sex with a woman of a different race" to "I HAVE TO have someone humiliate me and punish me for being a bad, bad boy." These are the types you see on the Craig's List. And the type I understand maybe the least of all. When you're in a committed relationship, you should have some understanding with your partner about what they are and are NOT into...and if that doesn't work, you should either discuss it with them, move on to someone else, or accept that maybe being in love and having a caring partner is a little more valuable than any thrill you can get from having a woman spank you for ten minutes. But, again, maybe it's just me and maybe I'm naive to think that fetishes are perhaps motivated by something unhealthy in a person's psychological past that maybe they should talk out with a professional instead of feeling it's necessary and worth betraying a person's trust to fulfill. Of course, I can't imagine having a secret life from my partner in any circumstance. I don't want to do anything that I would have to hide or that would make her uncomfortable. Silly me, but I think the foundation of a good relationship is intimacy based on complete trust, communication, and honesty.
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