BlackLoveForum.com- The Elephant In The (Dating) Room: (pt. 2 ...

In Featured, What The Love / By Stephanie D. McKenzie (MBA, CPC, CRC) / 10 April 2012 / 0 comments

Well, let?s not waste any time?let?s deal with another big elephant, ?commitment.?

There was a time when we could all just assume that we?re in a committed relationship. You remember the days, when you could slip the object of your desire a note that read, ?Do you like me? Yes?No?Maybe. Circle one.?

They would circle, and all would be well.

Not anymore.

Not only have we outgrown the innocence of liking someone and having them like us back, but we?ve also complicated the matter with terms such as, ?dating,? ?dating exclusively,? ?hooked-up,? ?it?s complicated,? and all those other interesting turns of phrase in the dating world.

Now we cannot assume?we have to talk.

Not only talk?we have to ask.

One of the most awkward conversations between two dating adults is the one where we figure out where this relationship is going (or has gone). And awkward as it is, it is still a conversation that is necessary and required in order for you both to maintain your dating sanity.

It?s not fair that one of you believes that he or she is in a committed relationship, AKA dating exclusively, and the other of you believes that this is just one of the many people on your dating roster, and that you will eventually pick one?but today just isn?t that day.

Nothing?s wrong with either perspective, but within the same relationship? Could be a problem.

So what to do?

Ask. (Didn?t I say that already?)

Wait?before you ask, I need you to do something.

Stop making that face.

I need you to decide what you want. Do you want to date exclusively? Do you want this person (the one you just thought about) to be your boo? Or do you want the other one (yea, that one) to be your boo? Or, do you want to keep dating other people?

There?s a tool I created called, ?The Three C?s.? The three C?s are: Carnal, Communal and Committal. The condensed version of this tool is: Carnal people usually want sex; Communal people want some time; Committal people want a lifetime. Most people will be all of these things throughout the course of their dating lives. The question is, what are you now?

Decide that first?then ask the other person. (And please don?t ask them if they are carnal, communal or committal.) But, do ask them what they want, and do believe them when they tell you.

And, just do you know?No amount of love, gifts, long conversations, or sex can change a carnal person into a communal or committal one?they will change on their own, when they want to, if they want to. If someone is communal and you?re committal (this means you?re ready to get married), if you want to be with them, you have to accept the fact that they aren?t ready for all of that yet. Don?t rush, browbeat, prod or cajole them to the altar?it?s not fair to either of you?I don?t care what how Chrissy inspired you. (Some of you will catch that one later.)

What will asking do?

Asking will keep both of you out of the Land of Confusion, and, hopefully, moving forward on the Freeway of Love. If not, then you can at least part as friends, and not as mortal enemies.

Funny?the advice I gave for this elephant sounds a little like the advice I gave for the last elephant. Do you see the pattern?

And on that note, let?s move on to communication?and no, I won?t tell you to ask someone to communicate with you.

About the author

Stephanie D. McKenzie (MBA, CPC, CRC) wrote 2 articles on this blog.

Stephanie McKenzie is the founder of WhatTheLove? which offers energetic, entertaining, and educational individual and group coaching programs. These programs are designed to remove the power and pain of bad relationships in your life.

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Tags: coach stephanie mckenzie, communication, dating, elephant, stephanie mckenzie, what the love

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